Afflicted by love's madness all are blind
by impressed
Summary: ON HIATUS Edward is a blind man that has become cold with losing his sight, and believes it is all a punishment he deserves. Bella is a whirlwind of crazy insecurities and dangerous ideas. What will happen when they meet, crash and fall? AH, OOC
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all, except my poorly cooked red velvet chocolate-chip cookies.

* * *

**Afflicted by love's madness all are blind**

_How can you say that your truth is better than ours?_  
_Shoulder to shoulder, now brother, we carry no arms_  
_The blind man sleeps in the doorway, his home_  
_If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won_

_But I gave you all_

_~ I gave you all ~ Mumford & Sons_**  
**

**EPOV**

It was raining, pouring down. I could hear it, smell it, feel it. But not see it. No, never see it. Somehow I could still remember what the rain would look like. It was one of the few things I could still remember, being reminded of it every time it rained. Stupid Forks. Always downing buckets of rain on our heads. It felt like it was just to bother me, just to remind me of what a miserable excuse of a man I had been, and was. Just to remind me of what I had lost, and could never gain again. Just to fucking mess with my head.

I really needed to move.

xXxXx

I slowly made my way out in the rain, and started walking the few blocks to my home. Forks was a small town, it was easy to get around. Even for a blind man, with poor morals there was no trouble to get around in Forks. Just another thing I hated about the place that I knew I would never leave. How could I leave? Where would I go? How would I start over?

A few people I knew said short 'hello's as they ran past me, to acknowledge their presence. As if they needed to speak for me to know they were there; I could hear their running footsteps from a mile away. Running to get out of this weather, and to prevent getting wet. I almost wanted to yell at them for being so stupid. There are more important things in life then not getting wet in the rain, I wanted to yell. I had run once, but never again. The pace would surely kill me now, as I wasn't able to see the path ahead of me. Last time I ran it didn't cost me my life, only my sight.

It's true as they say: when you lose one sense the other senses will develop to make up for the lost one. Just thinking about that stupid saying made me want to snort. As if a better hearing could ever make up for the constant darkness I was surrounded in. As if smelling a wet dog better would ever make me be okay with never seeing colours again. As if life could ever be the same without my eyesight.

From the store to my apartment took 37 minutes, with groceries in my hand. Without I could make it in 34. For a person with an actual vision of where he, or she, was stepping it would probably have taken 15 minutes, with or without groceries. When entering my loft, which I knew was perfectly decorated not because I had seen it but because my mother had done it, I once again cursed the way my life had turned out. And ten seconds after, while putting down the groceries, I cursed myself for being such a pitiful excuse of a man.

"Like it is anyone else's fault, but your own, Edward," I sighed while taking my clothes of.

While still seeing I could have put the groceries away in a matter of minutes, but every task became harder with losing my sight, unsurprisingly. Every move I made had to be better calculated, slower and more intentional. What used to take minutes could now take hours. As soon as I was done with the groceries, I walked carefully into my study. Just to sit, as I had done so many times before.

And as so many times before I let one of my hands stroke gently over the canvas. Feeling the dried paint on parts of it, but even more; feeling the parts of it that was without paint. I let my fingers roam downwards, until I found one of the brushes. Slowly I stroked the clean brush over the canvas, knowing perfectly well that it wouldn't leave a trace. I let the brush fall back again. The dried paint I knew was there was pain enough, but the real pain lay within the blank spots. The spots I had never gotten a chance to fill.

The painting showed a young girl in a meadow. Or rather; it should have shown a young girl in a meadow. What it showed now was the unfinished face of an unknown girl, sitting in something that could resemble grass. I knew every detail of it, and every detail that was missing. My biggest regret was that I never got to finish it, and therefore I knew exactly how I had left it.

xXxXx

As I sat in my study the night came creeping in. I knew, but not because I could see it. I could not see the darkness that slowly laid its blanket over the town, or the stars that would soon peek out from under it. No, I had a watch that told me the time, and that was it.

Carefully I spent the usual half-hour getting ready for bed. And as I lay under the duvets and closed my eyes I once again noticed how closing my eyes didn't even make a difference.

**BPOV**

Returning to dreary and gray Forks had never been a dream of mine. I had never fit in here in the first place, and nothing would make me believe that I did so any more now than I had before. Now I would be the prodigal daughter that returned, after her father's death. I knew what it looked like. It looked like the only reason I came back was to take over the house.

I didn't even want the stupid house, but my father had asked me so sweetly to take care of it, and what was I supposed to do? Deny a dying man his last wish?

No, I wouldn't do that. So I would stand strong against the gossip and live my life just the way I wanted. If the old church ladies couldn't deal with it that would be their problem, and not mine.

I slumped back in the chair. The chair that Charlie had sat in so often that it was pretty much still warm. I could almost hear his laughter bellowing of the walls. And I knew I could hear his soft pleas of sorrow from the day I left. Staying just hadn't been an option for me, once I turned eighteen I had to get out. It had never been my intention to break my father's heart, but, like I said, Forks was gray and boring and I was colourful and lively. Forks just couldn't contain all I had to give; the old bats of the town would never have accepted my brilliant ideas for what they were. There were greater, bigger cities out there that would. Cities that would recognize the colourful me, and see me for what I was worth. They would open their arms and embrace all my talents and riches.

Or so I had thought.

Nevertheless, I knew now that I wasn't good enough to make it. Looking back I realised that no matter what I had tried I had fallen flat on my face. And all that pain was gathered up inside me, festering on me. I was aware of all the pent up pain and rage, and I knew that every therapist would have told me to let it out, but I couldn't. The world was right; I had thought to highly of myself, and this pain was my punishment. I was indeed a nothing.

So maybe returning to Forks wasn't the worst idea in the world. At least I didn't have to worry about rent anymore. And I wouldn't have to worry about any of my crazy ideas actually taking form, just to lash out and hit me in the face later on.

Forks could be safety. Forks could be a break. Because God knew I needed a break. I needed to recuperate. And when it was time I would return to the big city, and this time I would be prepared. I would not let anyone stand in my way. The next time I would make it.

xXxXx

The crick in my neck was a killer.

"That's what you get for falling asleep in an old chair, Bells," I whispered to the darkened house.

While I had been sleeping the night had spread it wings over my new, or was it old, home. Carefully I stretched my arms over my head, while trying to crack my neck into its right position again. After a little stretch I finally got out of the chair and made my way over to the light switch. Just as I was about to turn the lights on I caught a glimpse of my reflection in one of the darkened windows.

I couldn't help but stare at myself. How could I really have believed that I would make it anywhere? How could I believe it now?

To make it you had to be something special. You had to be extraordinary. I was just plain ordinary. Maybe even a little boring. There was nothing special about my pale skin, drawn face and tired hair. Or my lifeless eyes. _He _had been right all along. There was nothing, neither within me nor on the outside that could make anyone look twice.

The burning words that suddenly rang loud and clear, as if _he _was standing in the room with me, made me cringe. So I turned the lights back on. Without the reflection I was at least safe from the demon that was me.

xXxXx

I made my way to the kitchen. Apprehensive of what I would actually find there. Since I had, so far, spent all my time in here sleeping in the old chair I hadn't really had any time to explore what existed in the house.

What I found was a fairly well equipped kitchen, not that I knew why; Charlie had never been a cook far beyond the microwave. So I set to work with putting away the groceries I had brought with me. It didn't take nearly enough time. For a short while I stood looking out into the night.

"Ah, hell, it's not like I'll get any sleep now anyway," I said exasperated to the darkness. "I might as well make good use of the hours."

I set up the equipment I needed and made a batch of my favourite cookies, followed by a batch of scones and a round of cake. Then some bread and a couple of rounds of cupcakes.

By the time the morning sun crept over the horizon, making the raindrops in the grass into magic, I stood there with enough baked goods to feed an entire army.

_God, I'll get fat if I eat all this myself,_ I thought before I packed it all away and went to bed.

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**A/N**

So, this is going to be my first fanfic with more than one chapter. Usually I have a friend read it all over before I would even consider posting anything. This time I'm just throwing it out there, so have mercy on me.

Now, please have some mercy on me. I don't have all the time in the world.  
You will probably also see that so far I'm a fan of shorter chapters.

The part about Bella baking in the middle of the night is all inspired by angstgoodess003's Wide Awake. If you haven't read it, then do so.

Also, the title is a quote by Sextus Propertius.

Hope you enjoyed, and that you will read the continuance; when it gets here.

Love.


	2. Chapter 2: Walls

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns it all, except my very well-used Regina Spektor CD.

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**Walls**

_Cause, these walls are killing me__  
__Killing me when I am down__  
__I am not a warrior but I can stay calm__  
__And these walls are breaking me__  
__Breaking me down__  
__But I'm living in__  
__I'm living in__  
__and that's how it's done__  
__Oooh yes__  
__That's how it's done_

_~ Walls ~ Susanne Sundfør_

**BPOV**

The morning had found me hours before I actually woke up. Now that might have had something to do with the fact that I only went to bed about three hours ago, as the sun was rising. Luckily I had never had a problem with sleeping during the day.

I got out of bed, while putting on some uplifting music. Ah, the joys of rising to the sound of a joyful Regina Spektor song. The tones of Dance Anthem of The 80's soared through the air around me as I danced myself through my morning ritual. Showering, brushing this and that, getting dressed and eating a little bit. Luckily I had managed to get my father to install a good sound system before I left.

As I finished my morning stuff, even slower than usual, I noticed that I had only spent about twenty minutes. Now, it wasn't early in the day, but I still had way too many hours to kill. God knows, I couldn't bake them all away. I always did things too fast. Never spending enough time, making me early for everything. This time; making me early for going back to bed.

I jumped up on the kitchen counter and sighed heavily while pulling at one arm of the sweater I was wearing.

"What now?" I asked out loud, but, just as suspected, the empty house didn't answer me back.

After sitting there, just waiting for time passed, for about two minutes I jumped back down from the counter and went out into the hall.

_I might as well check out the town,_ I thought as I pulled my bright green converse on.

As I left the house I noticed that the constant downpour had actually let up for a short while, and if you squinted your eyes you could maybe even see a little bit of a sun.

My home wasn't far from, what you could call, the centre of town, so I decided to walk.

xXxXx

Reaching into the tiny shopping street of the even tinier town I forced myself to hold my head up high.

So people wanted to stare, whatever. Let them stare, let them look. They won't find any shame here, because I was not ashamed of any of what I had done. Oh well, I was pretty ashamed, but no way in hell was I going to let anyone see that.

I looked for signs in the windows of every shop. While walking here I had realised a couple of things, amongst other that I had no plans of what to do with myself as I arrived Forks. No plans whatsoever. And I couldn't spend every day just sitting in my home.

Something in a window caught my eye. It was a small coffee-shop. Nothing grand, but it looked like they had some pretty awesome cupcakes. I didn't eat cupcakes, too much fat, but that didn't stop me from admiring them. As I stood there I started leaving the real world and let my fantasy run loose. I absentmindedly started humming a small song.

xXxXx

I don't know how long I had been standing in my own world, singing and watching cupcakes. _Gee, that didn't sound at all ... well, I don't even want to know what it sounded like._

A high-pitched voice broke me out of my inner monologue, and I turned to take in the form of the tiny girl in-front of me. She had a black bob, which was covered in flour, and an apron that showed that she worked in this coffee-shop. A coffee-shop that apparently was called Fairytale Cupcakes, if the apron was telling the honest to god truth. Funny how I hadn't noticed that.

"Isabella Swan," shrieked the girl again. It seemed she was stuck on repeating my name. As well as the words "is that really you?"

I opened my mouth to object, or make a rude remark; I never really knew 'till the words were actually out there, but was cut short by my own mind. Something clicked into place.

"Alice Cullen?" My voice was disbelieving as I struggled to see more of the tiny and shy girl I had hung out with so much before I left.

She was around my neck before I could even be sure it was her.

"Oh My GOD! This is amazing," she squealed straight into my ear. If I didn't already have reduced hearing I would most certainly get it now.

Somehow, I found myself frozen. Never in a million years would I have thought that someone in this town could make me freeze, but then again I wouldn't have thought that Alice would actually have stayed here.

"Come on in, oh, please Bella, come on in." Once again she shook me out of my own head. Only this time it wasn't Alice's voice that did it, it was her words. Sure, I could come on in, but there had to be some corrections made first.

"Everyone calls me Isabella now, Alice," I said carefully. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, but not wanting to be reminded of my past self. Bella no longer existed.

"Oh," was her only response. She seemed a little stunned, and I could understand why. When I first had moved here I had asked them to call me Bella, never Isabella, and now I was doing the opposite.

"Things have... changed over the last few years," I mumbled, not even sure if I wanted her to hear it.

And as I looked up at her I wasn't even sure she had heard it.

"Well, come on in anyway," she said and clapped her hands together, a bright smile spreading on her face. "We have so much to catch up on."

With that she grabbed my arm and pushed me towards the door. Just as I was about to enter I heard her speak again, but not to me.

"Good morning, Edward," she sang. I could remember how everything Alice said always seemed to be in a singing way.

"Good morning, Alice," I heard a soft voice reply, but I didn't have time to turn around to look at this Edward because Alice pushed me in the door and it slammed shut behind her.

**EPOV**

_Things have changed over the last few years. _

The words swirled around inside my head, making munchies out of what used to be my brain. Dam straight, shit had changed. I had just never heard anyone say something like that, so straight out. Then again, I didn't even know if she had meant for anyone to hear her words.

Still, so far, those words were the only things in my day that made any sense.

Getting up in the morning was always hard. Not because of the routines. No, 5 years of blindness makes you get used to where you step, and what you have to do. The real downer with getting up was the feeling that I had nothing to get up for. There was no reason whatsoever for me to want to get out of bed. None.

And also, it sucked to open your eyes to the same complete darkness.

But I did it. I got up, every day, and went on with my life. Taking my punishment like a man. _Sometimes you got to ask yourself; are you a man or a mouse. _

So, most of the days I chose the man. Some days I didn't. Now, that was a complete lie; most of the days I wallowed in my study, pitying myself even though I knew it was only my own fault. But this morning, it felt different. I couldn't put my finger on it, I couldn't point it out, but there was something about it. There was some energy in the air that just made me feel like; hell yeah, I'm gonna go out today.

And as I, finally, stepped out onto the sidewalk I realised what it was. The rain had stopped.

It's important that you know a little fact about Forks, just to appreciate this fact correctly. Forks have just about 400 days a year with rain. Making the days with actual sun turn into a negative number.

This means that the stopping of the rain, and the warmth from the sunrays that I could feel on my skin, was pretty much a miracle.

I therefore walked as briskly and happily as a blind man could towards the main street, to hit the park.

Another fact you should know about Forks is that it is so small, and filled with helpful people – yes, that was sarcastic – that a blind man doesn't even need a stick to get around. So I just walked on my merry way.

xXxXx

About halfway to the park I felt the delicious smell of cupcakes coming from Alice's shop, but before I had the chance to enter the shop and purchase a cupcake I heard something that stopped me, dead in my tracks.

Singing. Someone in this god forsaken town was singing, openly, on the street. And it was beautiful as well, the voice was clear and strong, even though the words seemed slurred and the tones could have been placed completely unintentional. I was just about to say something when I heard the door to the shop open, and Alice's squealing took over.

Now, I loved Alice. She was like a tiny, baby angel that helped everyone, but right now I wanted her to shut up. I wanted to hear more from this voice. This beautiful, magnificent voice.

Good things come to those who wait. As Alice's squealing died down the girl spoke up. She seemed to know Alice. Possibly from childhood? If so, I probably knew her as well. _Isabella,_ I thought. Nope, the name didn't sound familiar, and neither did the voice.

But if Alice knew her from her childhood, then I would have known her from before I lost my vision, meaning I would never have bothered to memorise her voice. Oh well, it didn't really matter anyway.

Then I hear her mumble those words. _Things have changed over the last few years. _I really didn't think she meant for anyone to hear her words, but there is nothing you can mumble that a blind person won't catch up on.

These changes that she spoke of: Alice seemed oblivious to them. So this girl, this Isabella, had been out of town for a while. Maybe she didn't know about what had happened with him. Maybe he could gain another friend, outside his and Alice's family, in this town.

As quickly as I had thought it, I threw the whole idea away. I was not going to put myself on anybody's shoulders. No way was I going to be a weight for anyone.

I heard their footsteps walk away from me, and right as I expected the silence – seeing how the good citizens of Forks were probably all on the beach for once – encompass me again I heard Alice's voice.

I softly answered her greeting, silently begging for this stranger to not see me. But knowing Alice correctly she had probably made sure that it didn't happen. She knew I hated to be introduced to new people, as seeing them for me meant putting my hands on their faces. It tended to be awkward, but I also hated to speak with people that I didn't have a remote idea what looked like. So I didn't have too many friends.

xXxXx

Carefully I made my way to the park, forgoing my usual pleasure in buying a cupcake from Alice. I sank down onto a bench, and closed my eyelids behind the sunglasses. Most people found it weird that I wore sunglasses all the time, that was; until I took the off. No one seemed to enjoy me looking at them, but there being nothing in my eyes. They were still green, my dad had told me, but they were lifeless.

As I sat on this bench, in the local park, I started opening my ears to what was going on around me. There were a lot of people in the park, also enjoying the rare sun, and they were all talking about this new girl: Isabella.

I was never one to judge, but this girl did not seem very welcome to town. People were saying some pretty mean stuff about her. About how she broke her father's heart and that it killed him in the end. About how she was only back for the house and the money her father had left. At some point I heard Jessica Stanley, one of the older citizens in town, say that "she is a shame to this community. I wish she would just go back where she came from and stay there. At least then our children would be safe again."

There was only so much strength I had in myself, and it wasn't enough to keep me from snorting out loud at that comment. Jessica and her friends would probably give me a hairy eyeball, but I was fine with that.

I mean; how bad could this girl really be?

* * *

**A/N**

Wow, okey, so this story has me very inspired. And therefore the second chapter is up today already. Now, please excuse my errors, there are probably many of them. I just need to get this out there before I lose my guts.

Also, you have to excuse if the updates are a little rare, and a little short. I have this whole story planned out, I just don't write more than one chapter before I post. And I really don't think that the POV's will be following any strict rule. Whatever POV inspires me more is the one I will use, though I do get the feeling that we will hear more from Edward then from Bella. We'll see.

A big thank you to my best friend, Marie, who is a great support and inspiration to me.

The song Dance Anthem of The 80's is to be found on Regina Spektor's CD Far.

The name of Alice's shop, yes she owns it, is taken directly from the name of a cupcake-shop in my city: Fairytale Cupcakes.

And the quote '_Sometimes you got to ask yourself; are you a man or a mouse' _is from the move Spirit.

Also know that the chapter song, from the top of the chapter, doesn't really have anything to do with the content of the chapter, just the overall feeling that the characters have. Both Bella and Edward have some pretty high walls up still.

Thank you for reading!

Love.


	3. Chapter 3: Addiction

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns everything, except Edwards addictions and problems

**Addiction**

_I used to think your love was something that I_

_Could take or leave alone._

_But now I couldn't do without my supply,_

_I need you for my own._

_Oh, I can't break away,_

_I must have you ev'ry day,_

_As regularly as coffee or tea._

_You've got me in your clutches and I can't get free,_

_You're getting to be a habit with me,_

_~ You're getting to be a habit with me ~ Forty-Second Street _

**BPOV**

Alice hadn't changed a bit since I last saw her. The years that had passed since high school had done nothing for her height, or stopped her from speaking a mile a minute. I was eternally grateful for this; seeing as her talking wildly about herself stopped her from asking too many questions about me.

The little coffee shop that she owned had a peaceful air about it. Inside the walls were white and the furniture looked English form about the time when Victoria reigned. Mellow music filled the air, together with wonderful smells, and almost every chair was taken.

".. and you shouldn't worry about what people say. They'll grow tired of talking in no time."

"What?" I asked. There was nothing to do but admit that I hadn't paid attention to what she was saying.

"Well, people around here aren't cruel, they're just nosy," Alice said as she scrunched her nose, as if disapproving. "Just don't listen to them. They'll get past it all."

I nodded and gave a hum. Sure, they would get past it, but would I be able to deal until then? Was I strong enough, or would I once again run from their gazes and hide underneath my duvet? I really didn't believe I was. It would probably only take a couple of days of this town's scrutiny before I would turn into a shaking mess of flesh and bone.

Once again Alice's voice pulled me from my inner monologue.

".. here?" was all I caught from her sentence, and as embarrassing as it was I had to ask her to repeat.

"I swear Bella, you never pay enough attention to what people say, and too much to what you see around you." Inwardly I cringed at her use of my old nickname. I figured I had to get used to it somehow again, but not quite yet.

"I asked what you plan to do while you're here." Alice was starting to sound exasperated by me and I put on my 'nice' face.

"I don't really know," I said honestly with a little pout, just to please her. "I hadn't really planned on anything, I just left."

"You just left with no plan?" Alice's face was filled with awe, so I just shrugged. It was pretty much what had happened, with a few small modifications.

"God, how I would like to be able to do that. You have such a great life, Bells!" Her voice went up about an octave when she was excited, making me wonder how I could actually hear her: her voice was pretty much on the level where only dogs could hear. And I once again failed to correct her. No need to tell her that my life was far from great.

"Well," I started, but she cut me off, in usual Alice style.

"You can work here, with me!" Once again squealing like a little girl, clapping her hands and jumping up and down in her seat, making her sleek bob bounce a little.

xXxXx

When I went home I had somehow become an employee of Fairytale Cupcakes. Working with baking couldn't be that bad, though, so I embraced the opportunity and made a batch of cupcakes just for fun before I went to sleep. I had to be well rested for my first day at work, right?

**EPOV**

_The first step towards recovery is admitting you have a problem. _

I have a lot of problem. I have a lot of addictions. And I am certainly not on my way towards recovery. Even with admitting to myself every single problem that I have.

But now I had a new problem. A brand new addiction. Ever since I heard the slight hum outside Alice's store that day I had been addicted. And then Alice told me that she had hired the new girl, and, sick as I am, I went in.

She was singing, in the kitchen behind the counter. Some days I could imagine her dancing around, making Alice laugh and spilling sugar and flour all around. Other days I could have sworn that her tears would add extra salt to the cupcakes she was making.

There was just something about her voice that I could not, or would not, let go off.

So now I was reduced to a creepy stalker as well. I had neither spoken to, nor acknowledged this girl before, and still I shoved up here every day, for two weeks now, just to hear her voice.

xXxXx

"Edward, darling, come on in." Esme's voice was sweet as ever, and her loving tone a balm to both ears and soul. She gripped my arm and I let a slow smile creep over my face.

The feeling of the smile had become much more familiar to me recently, since she arrived.

"Esme," I said softly. "Thank you so much for inviting me over."

"Oh, nonsense Edward. You are always welcome here," she exclaimed as she lead me inside and took my coat.

I knew the Cullen's house just as well as I knew my own apartment, that's how much time I spent there. When I was fresh out of the hospital, and the rehabilitation was starting, they were kind enough to take me in until I could take going back to my own home. And after that I kept coming back there, for various reasons. Tips from Carlisle Cullen, the doctor; food from Esme Cullen, the mother; friendship from Emmett Cullen and Alice Cullen, the 'kids'. Also advice, support and love from all of them.

The Cullens loved unconditionally.

Smell of homemade dinner and a feeling of being content floated over me as I made my way into the dining-room. This was the heart of the house, where all of the Cullen family gathered regularly to just be a family.

In ways it made me feel home and warm, and in other ways it reminded me of the family I had once had. The family that I would never have.

Sitting down at the dinner-table with the Cullens would always be a good experience, but this time I also needed it to be a time of seriousness. I had been spending far too much time at Alice's shop these days, just so I could hear her voice flow through the kitchen-door and into my ears. The first days it had been soft humming, but it soon turned into a soft jazzy voice floating through the air, hitting me like a breath of springs freshness. A voice with so much feeling and depth, undeniably coming from a girl with the same qualities in herself. For me first-impression always relied on the voice and this was a girl that, without ever talking to her, had become an addiction to me. A first-impression, only from afar, so strong that I could not stop listening to her, I could not let go.

With dinner at the table I finally got the courage up to say the words I needed to say, not only for them to hear, but also for me to tell myself. For me to admit.

"Guys, I have a problem."

**A/N**

Things Take Time. And for that I apologize.

For this chapter I want to thank my teachers for giving me homework that inspires me to write my own stuff instead of what they want me to. Also a huge thanks to all my supportive friends, and everyone who has patience with my slow writing.

And with that I end this A/N by saying that reviewers get to suggest how Edward and Bella are finally introduced, and I will use one of your suggestions.

Love.


	4. Chapter 4: Darkness

**Disclaimer: **Stehpanie Meyer owns all, except Bella's selfprotection tactics

* * *

**Darkness**

_There's a part I can't tell__  
__About the dark I know well._

~ The dark I know well ~ Spring Awakening ~

"_I'm sorry," I whispered, looking carefully into his stone cold eyes. "It's not like I did it on purpose."_

"_How you did it doesn't matter, sweetheart, -" the nickname sounded harsh in comparison to the way he had used it when he walked in the door "- what matter is that it happened." He grabbed onto the back of the chair he was standing behind, his knuckles turning white with the force of the grip.  
"Do I look like a family man, maybe? Have I ever mentioned wanting a family?" His voice was rising with every word, at the end of the sentence he was shouting. With every word my body shrunk into the little ball he so often made me turn into. "No, I am certain that I have told you I do not want children. I do recall saying that children is something I never want, and I recall you agreeing."_

"_I don't know what I did wrong to make this happen."_

"_It doesn't MATTER! You failed. Again. You, my darling Bella, are a failure."_

"_What do you want me to do about it? I don't know what you want me to do. Just say it." I could practically not hear my own voice, it was like a soft breath of wind and the only thing my air did was breathe more life into the fire that was in him. _

"_I. ...IT!" He was screaming now. I started worrying about the neighbours hearing us. Please, I begged him without sound, don't ruin our facade. _

"_And if you don't, Bella-beauty, I will do it for you." _

_Almost wishing he would rather scream. _

I woke with a start, practically falling out of my chair. Being sleep deprived had finally caught up with me and I had cookie dough all over my face and hair after falling asleep on the tray of cookies ready to be put in the oven. And as if that wasn't enough I also had those stupid marks from scratching my arms I always had when waking up from a nightmare. It had been like that since I was a little kid. Somehow, subconscious I figured that scratching my arms was a good way of protecting myself against danger.

Yep, I really needed those self-defence lessons I'd been looking at.

Slowly I pried as much dough out of my hair and eyes, leaving the mess on the table, before trudging up the stairs towards the bathroom and its dreadful green walls. Somehow my mother had figured that a good idea. Now her fresh green walls looked like my old dinner after a wild night on town. Not to delicious. If I was to stay here, which I doubted, I needed to paint.

Truth was; my father had practically guilt-tripped me into taking over the house, and as soon as the guilt wore of, maybe after a year or two, I would leave. This place held no happy memories for me. Only a broken heart and a broken family.

Safely under the warm rays of water, cascading over my naked body, I mulled over how Forks had once treated me, and why I left in the first place.

xXxXx

"Will you freaking stop calling me? I'm here already." Grumpy Isabella always reared her head when sleep finally caught up with me. I wasn't a fan of her, neither was the rest of the world.

My soothing shower at dawn had done nothing to soothe my aching muscles and nerves. I could always pretend that I'd forgotten, but I never would. There was a man that was no longer with me, but always would be around. There was a child that never saw this world, but always lived within me.

"I swear to God, Alice, if this isn't important I'm changing my number."

"I have a doctor's appointment in town and really need to leave. Shops all yours today, sweetie. Have fun!" She was out the door before I could even object. Typically Alice, just like always forgetting the essentials. Like the fact that I didn't know the cash register.

I was anyway not in the mood to interact with customers today. Not after the night I'd had.

Carefully I went behind the counter, shedding my coat and putting it beneath where no one would see it. I looked at the cash register with scepticism. It was, in truth and with no exaggeration, a big beast. Waiting to eat me up alive. If I touched it, it would probably open up to swallow me, together with all the money I should be putting in it instead of looking at it like something out of a horrormovie, but then again: how hard could it be?

With much caution I touched the screen lightly and the _thing_ came alive with a horrible screeching sound and popped open. I would most certainly be writing names and numbers today because apparently it could be just that hard.

The door pinged and I turned to give the person responsible my best evil eye. If he reacted I wouldn't know, 'cause this guy could kill at poker with the way he always came in, every day at the same time, with his stony mask and sunglasses covering his eyes.

"One Mocca and a caramel-cream cupcake." He said it with a calm voice just as he reached the counter. Same as every day, only I'd never actually taken the order. Yes, this day would become a problem. Alice had never taught me the coffee-machine. I was always in the back baking, while she was up front dealing with the goddamned people.

"Sorry, espresso-machine is broken," I lied smoothly, easily, like drinking water. Or in theory like spitting since it was running out of my mouth, but that was a disgusting image. Lying wasn't a habit, it was just something I had learned to do as a necessity. _He _had always caught me in the beginning, but I got better; fast. "Is regular coffee okay?" That I knew how to make.

He gave a slight nod which gave me time to calculate the price in my head. No way in hell was I touching that monster of a cash register again. "That will be 2.75, can I have your name and number please?"

"Why?" Not a change in the stony mask.

"Oh, the cash register is broken as well. I'll just write you up."

"A lot of things broken in here today." Not even a slight smirk. Could he possibly actually be a stone? Was there a medical-term called stone-face that wouldn't allow you to move anything but your mouth?

"Well, yeah..."

"Just tell Alice that I was here, having the regular."

And so the day went with pretty much every customer.

When Alice finally came in the door I pulled my apron of, throwing it in her face. "Fuck you, Alice,-" I said, not caring who heard "- if you ever do that again I swear I will kill every customer you get and end the debacle with you."

Alice looked a little pale, slightly amused. "I forgot to teach you the ropes, but Bella I am just too excited to be concerned about how many customers I lost today. You see; I'm pregnant."

"I quit." With those two words I walked out slamming the door behind me, not caring that it was raining and my coat was left under the counter. Quickly I regretted it and walked back in; I had one more thing to say.

"And one last thing, you can spread the word about it. Bella left this town eight years ago, young and hopeful, promising herself she would never return. She didn't. It's Isabella now."

Then I left. Not slamming the door and not going back inside again.

**EPOV**

"Can someone tell me what I just did wrong, 'cause I sure have no idea!"

Alice was frantic. I could hear her pacing around in the store that now contained only me and her. Bella, Isabella I guess, had sounded incredibly angry, and as the man I was I could only imagine her nostrils flaring with anger. Literally, only imagine.

"I don't know Al, but I should get going. Don't worry, she seems like a girl who will be over it by tomorrow."

I left Alice in her frantic pacing, only feeling a little guilty, but I could only assume that Alice would understand, given she probably already knew my mixed feelings about her pregnancy.

My feet carried me home, without interrupting my mind that was moving rapidly from one sequence to the other. The memories in my head swirled together into one great big mess of nothing. No feeling, no real memory. Walking in my door I got my shoes and jacket of before falling letting myself fall onto the couch and succumbing to what I still had left of them.

"_No, Vicky, you can't leave me. I love you." I ran after her. Street unknown, her face a blur. Lights blazing, screaming. Running again; and then the pain. Followed by waking up to darkness deeper than the one that surrounded me, darkness in my soul and heart knowing of their death. I had driven her into the street. I had killed her, and our unborn child, along with them had they taken my eyesight, a far from fair punishment for what I took from them. _

There was only one face I remembered perfectly from before the accident. The girl in the meadow. A girl I truly had only seen once, when I was a young child feeling immortal like nothing could hurt me. Nothing could get under my skin. Except her. Seeing the difference between her contained self and her free and wild self as she thought no one was looking had broken me more than anything else in the world.

Not even the death of Vicky and our child could compare to seeing the truth about the torture me and my life was forcing on her. Seeing that I made her unhappy, seeing that I had trapped her in a small town she no longer wished to stay.

_She was spinning, falling. Dancing and smiling in a meadow that couldn't even begin to compare to her beauty. The sun was spilling its warmth over the flowers in the clearing, but I could not feel them in my shadow behind a tree, nor did I need them. The rays of her joy and happiness gave me all the warmth in the world. A slight breeze tickled my neck as it flew past me to play with her. She laughed and spun with the playing wind, longing, it seemed, for it to pick her up and take her into a wild dance up in the air. _

_Why had I never seen this side of her before? She always smiled, but it was contained. Tight-lipped. Why did I never hear her laugh like this? Was she more enjoyed by the wind than she ever was by me? How had I not noticed her selfenforced containment of a soul freer than an antelope that was running over stretches further than I could ever imagine? I could not understand, but in my heart I did. _

_Forks was a town to play around in fields or run barefoot in the rains in. Forks was a town where you contained your urges. You forced yourself to be proper and right, and you always did the right things at the exact right times. If not there would be gossip, there could even occur an odd episode of being frozen directly out of society. Forks was certainly a place for propriety, and this; the real side of my girl would not be seen as propriety. Sadly, for I wished she could be this happy every day. I wish I could make her this happy every day, but knowing I couldn't I did the only thing I knew was right. For I knew I was keeping her here, as she had often talked of moving away, but I had denied. _

_Only days later I said the words I would never have guessed myself to say. "Sorry babes, our time together is over. Maybe I'll see you around. Or not." _

_She was gone before I could even say goodbye. With a note attached to my door. 'Thank you for letting me leave.'_

_I guess no one but me ever knew why she suddenly disappeared, and in my heartbreak I knew I had done the right thing. Letting her leave would always be my greatest accomplishment. _

In my dream she wouldn't leave. No, in my dream she would turn around in the meadow and see me, smile brightly and we would dance in her happiness together. I would leave with her, or we would stay and be happy here. None of that ever happened. I took the easy way out and buried my love, but I had certainly not forgotten.

Oh yes, I knew who Isabella Swan was. As soon as I heard her name I knew her, every inch of her. At least of a younger Isabella.

She had only been my first, and probably only love.

**A/N**

What can I say? When I write; I write a lot. When I don't; I really don't.  
But I think we are starting to see a slight shape of a story here, right guys?

Bella and Edwards first interaction; what ya think? I'm planning to let them have a little more interaction actually, before formal introductions will be made. Even though Edward knows Bella, who knows if she'll remember him?

And, thanks to nightline, I do know have a, hopefully, cute sequence at a Cullen-dinner planned in my head. We'll just have to make sure Bella and Alice makes up first.

Now, some credits must be given: the idea of Bella in the meadow is actually from SebastienRobichauds University of Edward Masen. You won't find the fic, but you can buy the book: Gabriel's Inferno. What can I say, you should read it. He's my most inspiring factor to get me writing on my own.

Also, as always huge creds to my supportive friends who always tell me to rather develop as a writer than do homework. Heh. Cupcake-shop scene inspired by angry co-workers at the coffee-shop I work in.

If there are any ideas to things that can happen in this story floating around in your head then please share!

Long A/N, sorry.

Love.


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